My Fear of Public Singing

This morning I had a realization. I am afraid of singing in public. I used to sing in front of people all the time. I would be nervous, but I did it. I loved every minute of it. I loved choir practice, and being on the worship team. For many years, singing was my dream. I always knew deep down that I wasn't good enough to sing for a living. I was never super musically creative. Plus, my favorite part was getting to sing harmony, not lead. There's something about singing harmony that made me feel alive. Making something that is good, sound even better by singing just the right notes. It's amazing. So what happened? I grew up and my friend circle changed. I stopped hanging out with all those people who had heard me sing. I stopped making music with people. When I went to college, I wanted to join the choir. But you had to audition and many times I had a class during the choir class time. But even when it would have worked with my schedule, I was too afraid to try out.

I realized today, that none of the people in my day to day life have ever heard me sing, at least not really. Perhaps a little silly song here or there, but nothing where I'm actually trying. Why? Why can't I be like so many people and just bust out in song randomly? Why can't I do that?

I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid people will think I'm weird. But worse than that, I'm afraid people will think I'm just another one of those irritating people who thinks they sound like a Broadway superstar, when they really sound like a dying bird. Now, I'm pretty sure I don't sound like a dying bird. But then again, fear is not rational. So I got to thinking about where this fear is coming from? After all, it didn't used to keep me from singing.

Then it hit me. The memory of my last choir concert in high school. Senior year was amazing. We went to NYC and sang part of the Messiah at Carnegie Hall. I sang with my small ensemble in the streets which gathered a crowd to listen. A crowd of complete strangers stopped to listen to me and my friends. Amazing!  We sang at state and while we place 3rd for the 4th year in a row, it still sounded awesome! It was so much fun. My last concert was emotional for me. I knew it would be my last time singing with this group of people. I savored the experience, every moment until I got in the car to go home. You see my parents, particularly my father, are incredible critical people. They helped teach me to sing. I have fond memories singing Christmas carols with my family to our neighbors. But after every school program, church or school concert, there was the ride home. The moment those car doors shut, the critique began. They always said, well of course you were great dear, but. It's the but. But I didn't like that song. This song sounded flat. There diction of the words needed help. I don't know why that person got a solo. This song was boring. I just wish the director would do this. But worst of all, "Well it's nothing like when we were in the Envoys (a choir they sang before I was born), but nothing will be that good again." What did I gain from each car ride home? "You're not good enough. It wasn't perfect enough. You gave it your best shot, good effort, but we just can't say it was wonderful because it wasn't." And what they never seemed to understand is that I was part of the choir. Every critique of the choir was a critique of me. I loved singing so much it was like an emotional high, but the moment I got in the car, it brought me back down into a deep depression. The realization that once again I'm not good enough. The last car ride home after my last choir concert was like so many before. The critique filling the car, while I silently cried in the backseat. My heart was breaking. Again. Nothing, not even what I loved so much, was ever close to being good enough.

Why does all that matter now? Because I don't know any other way. I don't know what it's like to sing and not have the critique happen afterwards. I'm afraid of being judged. Not measuring up. Not being good enough. The worst part is I perpetuate it in myself too. Singing has become a shame trigger for me. I get upset with myself when my voice shakes in the car because I hit a pot hole. I know I can talk myself out of the shame spiral that I cause. I've been working the past 2 years on that skill. But still, I am so afraid to sing in front of people. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid they will think I'm stupid. I'm afraid because I don't know what song would be the best for my voice. I'm afraid because if I started singing in front of people, they would pay attention to me. If they paid attention to me, they would see that I'm not good enough. 

How do I fix it? How do I get over this fear? Right now I don't know. I haven't come up with a plan. How do you just get over fear? How do you get enough courage to be vulnerable? How do I convince myself that if I opened up it wouldn't crush me if I'm rejected again.