Who Makes You a Better Person?

Taylor and I have been together for 11 years next month. 11 YEARS! We started dating junior year of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! It feels like a million years ago! Of course, 11 out of 28 years is a lot. I've seen so many relationships end in that time. *Pawsing for cat snuggle break with my miss miss* *Okay back* Anyways, when we got married, 3 years ago, one of my sisters was my maid of honor. In her toast she said, " I have been blessed to watch the two of you grow together. People go through so many changes through college and a lot of people grow apart. They end up going separate directions. But you two have grown up together. You have helped each other grow and have made each other better. It's been an honor to see that transformation." Until that moment, it wasn't really something I had thought about. It only seemed natural to me. But I've noticed something. There are two groups of people, those who think you should love someone as they are, and those who think you should love people by changing them, to be how they view people should be. Now, the first group of people think that to love someone as they are means that you cannot wish them to change. The second group of people think that to love someone means that you should want them to change. I'm going to use the example of the LGBTQ community. For those in support of LGBTQ community, they say that we should love them just as they are, except them as they are right now and not wish them to change. Now, many in the Christian community would fall into the second group of people, especially when talking about LGBTQ. Some would say they love the LGBTQ community, and therefore, out of love, only want what's best for them which would be to be give up any "unnatural behaviors" (I'm just going to use "unnatural behaviors" to describe the rantings we all know too well). Okay, so there's the two groups. Here's the thing. People think that these two groups are mutually exclusive. They're not. It's possible to love someone as they are, and want to help them change. Before you in the second group get excited, no I'm not talking about you at least not most of you. I'm NOT talking about, "speaking the truth in love." Too many people use this phrase to excuse rude behavior to those who's lifestyles they disagree with. No. What I'm talking about is loving someone just as they are right now, while also wanting them to become the best version of themselves. To love someone as they are right now means to me that if they were to never change anything, you would still love them just as much. But, because you love someone, you should also want them to become the best version of themselves. The difference is that you would love them regardless of what they do. And that you want them to become the best version of THEMSELVES, not of who you, or your religion or moral code thinks they should become. This relationship, this kind of love, is so rare in this world today. When I tell people that Taylor challenges me to become a better person they give me this look of confusion, judgment, and pity. I have told people that Taylor has taught me how to speak kindly, or how to "fight" kindly, calmly, and productively. Some people never knew me before Taylor taught me to speak kindly. So they can't imagine me as the negative, critical person I was before. So they just look confused, like I don't need help with that. Some looks seem to say that they think of Taylor as being controlling, or that I'm in some sort of toxic relationship where I'm being manipulated into changing my behavior. WOW!!!! What's scary about that reaction is that is tells me most people don't have someone who loves them AND challenges them to be a better person. I can't think of any other better relationship to have. I want to be a better person. I think most people want to be a good person. But we all need help to do that. We need to be challenged. We need people to guide us, to help us break bad habits, and to help us form better habits. We are not perfect people. So how can we think that just loving someone as they are is enough. It's not. It's a great start. But eventually you should know someone and love someone enough to help them get better. To help them see their own amazing qualities that are yet to be tapped. To help them believe in themselves. To help them see what you love so much about them. To help them see all the beautiful things about who they are as a person. And to help them hone their skills, and personality to be even better. When Taylor first met me, I was incredibly negative, critical, condescending, close-minded, self-righteous, depressed, and suicidal. Does that sound like a project you want to take on?! hahaha, yeah NOPE! The kicker is while Taylor acknowledged those qualities, he saw so much more. He saw underneath that exterior a kind, compassionate, loving, open-minded, humble, sweet, smart person. I don't know how he saw all that. I really don't. I didn't even know I had it in me. People who have met me later in life cannot imagine me as a mean person. But I was. Not to everyone all the time. But especially if I was mad, or frustrated, or whatever, yeah. Nothing but venom came out of my mouth. But Taylor saw past all that. He could see who I was, and who I could be. He loved me every single step of the way. He helped me to see those good qualities in myself. He helped me change my habits to bring out the best in me, and let go of the worst. I am so much more at peace with myself, because I am who I was meant to be. I still have many things to work on, and I always will have things to work on. But this is what love is supposed to be like. We are supposed to love each other just as we are, and also help to sharpen each other. The other day, Taylor asked me a question, "Do you ever feel like you could do so much more?" It got me thinking about a possible new career path. Something I never would have considered previously because I never believed in myself enough. This is one part of our relationship that makes it all work. We can help each other become better. Without venom, without agenda, without conditions on love. We love each other just as we are, and we help each other become the best version of ourselves. While it may at times be hard to hear about something I need to change, the defensiveness quickly dissipates. Because I know it is out of true love for me that he would point out a flaw and help me work to fix it. The key is that he knows me better than anyone else in this world. So I know it's only out of love. The key to this whole issue in our world is this: You must know and love the person, before you can ask them to change. We have far to many people asking others to change themselves, before really getting to know and love them as they are now.  Taylor didn't start out just asking me to change. He started by loving me as I was right then. He would have still loved me even if I didn't change. But he also knew that I would be happier if given direction on how to become my true self. It's a gift that I can never repay. It's a gift that I can only hope to reciprocate. My hope is that somehow through our relationship, that others will be inspired. We need more people loving each other in this way if we are to progress as a people, and as a society. Imagine if more people were the best version of themselves. Imagine if people could be happy with who they are, and excited more becoming better and better. Imagine if we all had someone in our life to call us out on stuff when we need to be called out. But in a way that doesn't trigger shame or defensiveness. Just imagine the possibilities.

Why You CANNOT Do Anything You Put Your Mind To

Why would you say that to me? You don't know me at all. You're just saying that because you don't have enough discipline to make your dreams come true. 

Today I was walking down the hall at work to get a snack. There are many people who walk the loop of hallway we have to get some exercise. I've been in more pain than normal lately and walking only makes it worse. So today I was trying to walk a bit slower to not aggravate my issues. Well, there was an older lady, probably about 60-65, walking the loop. In total honesty, in the time it took me to walk to the cafe (less that 1/4 of the total loop), she lapped me. LAPPED ME! I was lapped by someone who should be retiring soon. You know what? I felt embarrassed. I felt fat. I felt out of shape, ashamed, and frustrated with my own body. Then I got to thinking, why did I feel so ashamed about being lapped? I felt ashamed because this woman revealed my own limitations. She was physically able to best me and would have even if I had been walking my normal pace. It brought before me a fact that I don't like to admit. I am limited. I cannot do what normal people my age are able to do physically. It's a fact that I struggle with a lot. I feel like someone my age should not have the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. I push myself far beyond my limit, only to then have to bench myself because I'm in too much pain. I had a couple good days recently. My chiropractor fixed my knee joint issues that had been plaguing me since December. It was amazing. I could walk again like normal, without pain! I went on a couple walks with my husband, cleaned the house, did some yoga. I started walking some laps a work to add more activity to my life. I felt great. Then the pains that happen when I start to be more active came back with a vengeance. My pain is a constant reminder that I am limited. I cannot do anything. I have limitations. Why is this such a hard fact to live with? It's all around our culture. People saying, "I will tell my children they can do anything they put their mind to." It sounds nice doesn't it? Get some warm fuzzys? Dreaming about all the things you wish you could do? Well guess what, you may not be able to do all those things. And you know what else? IT'S OKAY! You don't have to be able to do anything you want to be great. We are not magical perfect beings like butterfly rainbow unicorn kittens that somehow make everything more awesome (it's a thing, look it up, it's awesome!). We all have limitations. If we didn't, we couldn't appreciate the talents of others. Think about it. Would watching the Olympics be as incredible if you could run the 100m dash in 6 seconds? Or would watching a concert be as awesome if you could play the drums like Neil Peart? What if you could paint like Da Vinci? I appreciate those things more because I cannot do them. Sure, I could work hard and paint something. I could work hard and drum a beat, or finish the 100m dash eventually. (I really really hate running). But thing is, I will never be as good as other people. It's okay though, I'm good at other stuff. I know the point it to try to not squash the dreams of children. It's a good cause. Everyone should want to improve their life and live out their dreams. But an equally important thing we need to learn is how to live within our limitations. I would love to go on a long walk with my husband. I would like to explore some trails, enjoy nature, have long talks about nothing or something. The thing is, I can't right now. I'm in too much pain to do that. Hopefully some day I will get better, and be able to do those things again. I am working on how to get there. But I am worth just as much now as I will be then. So I need to love myself, and respect my own limitations. It doesn't make me less valuable or lovable just because I cannot go on a walk. In fact, by constantly pushing past my limitations, I have already avoided getting medical attention that I need, lived with pain far longer than necessary, and caused greater issues because of it all. All because I couldn't get past the expectation that I have to be perfect. The expectation that I am limitless. The expectation that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. You see, it's not a lazy thing. It's not an excuse. It's not for a lack of will. It's because I've finally started listening to my body, and it's telling me to stop. To slow down, and take care of it, because it's hurting. Here's my challenge to myself and to you. Accept your limitations. They make you who you are. You are beautiful and wonderful just as you are right now. Love yourself. You deserve it. And if it's something you really really really want to do, then find a way to work towards that goal within your limitations. For me, maybe that's going to a park and sitting on a bench. It's still enjoying nature and you have to walk a bit to get to the bench. You can still talk on a bench. It's not my end goal, but it's something that will make me feel good. I'm getting my doctors involved, and doing some gentle yoga to get some flexibility. It's not what I pictured for myself at this stage of life. But I could be upset and frustrated and make myself feel like crap. OR, I can learn to love myself. My wonderful, beautiful, flawed, limited self. Not going to lie, it's a hard challenge, especially on the bad days. But those bad days are the ones where I need love and comfort the most and that starts with me.  

My Fear of Public Singing

This morning I had a realization. I am afraid of singing in public. I used to sing in front of people all the time. I would be nervous, but I did it. I loved every minute of it. I loved choir practice, and being on the worship team. For many years, singing was my dream. I always knew deep down that I wasn't good enough to sing for a living. I was never super musically creative. Plus, my favorite part was getting to sing harmony, not lead. There's something about singing harmony that made me feel alive. Making something that is good, sound even better by singing just the right notes. It's amazing. So what happened? I grew up and my friend circle changed. I stopped hanging out with all those people who had heard me sing. I stopped making music with people. When I went to college, I wanted to join the choir. But you had to audition and many times I had a class during the choir class time. But even when it would have worked with my schedule, I was too afraid to try out.

I realized today, that none of the people in my day to day life have ever heard me sing, at least not really. Perhaps a little silly song here or there, but nothing where I'm actually trying. Why? Why can't I be like so many people and just bust out in song randomly? Why can't I do that?

I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid people will think I'm weird. But worse than that, I'm afraid people will think I'm just another one of those irritating people who thinks they sound like a Broadway superstar, when they really sound like a dying bird. Now, I'm pretty sure I don't sound like a dying bird. But then again, fear is not rational. So I got to thinking about where this fear is coming from? After all, it didn't used to keep me from singing.

Then it hit me. The memory of my last choir concert in high school. Senior year was amazing. We went to NYC and sang part of the Messiah at Carnegie Hall. I sang with my small ensemble in the streets which gathered a crowd to listen. A crowd of complete strangers stopped to listen to me and my friends. Amazing!  We sang at state and while we place 3rd for the 4th year in a row, it still sounded awesome! It was so much fun. My last concert was emotional for me. I knew it would be my last time singing with this group of people. I savored the experience, every moment until I got in the car to go home. You see my parents, particularly my father, are incredible critical people. They helped teach me to sing. I have fond memories singing Christmas carols with my family to our neighbors. But after every school program, church or school concert, there was the ride home. The moment those car doors shut, the critique began. They always said, well of course you were great dear, but. It's the but. But I didn't like that song. This song sounded flat. There diction of the words needed help. I don't know why that person got a solo. This song was boring. I just wish the director would do this. But worst of all, "Well it's nothing like when we were in the Envoys (a choir they sang before I was born), but nothing will be that good again." What did I gain from each car ride home? "You're not good enough. It wasn't perfect enough. You gave it your best shot, good effort, but we just can't say it was wonderful because it wasn't." And what they never seemed to understand is that I was part of the choir. Every critique of the choir was a critique of me. I loved singing so much it was like an emotional high, but the moment I got in the car, it brought me back down into a deep depression. The realization that once again I'm not good enough. The last car ride home after my last choir concert was like so many before. The critique filling the car, while I silently cried in the backseat. My heart was breaking. Again. Nothing, not even what I loved so much, was ever close to being good enough.

Why does all that matter now? Because I don't know any other way. I don't know what it's like to sing and not have the critique happen afterwards. I'm afraid of being judged. Not measuring up. Not being good enough. The worst part is I perpetuate it in myself too. Singing has become a shame trigger for me. I get upset with myself when my voice shakes in the car because I hit a pot hole. I know I can talk myself out of the shame spiral that I cause. I've been working the past 2 years on that skill. But still, I am so afraid to sing in front of people. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid they will think I'm stupid. I'm afraid because I don't know what song would be the best for my voice. I'm afraid because if I started singing in front of people, they would pay attention to me. If they paid attention to me, they would see that I'm not good enough. 

How do I fix it? How do I get over this fear? Right now I don't know. I haven't come up with a plan. How do you just get over fear? How do you get enough courage to be vulnerable? How do I convince myself that if I opened up it wouldn't crush me if I'm rejected again.