Today I was walking down the hall at work to get a snack. There are many people who walk the loop of hallway we have to get some exercise. I've been in more pain than normal lately and walking only makes it worse. So today I was trying to walk a bit slower to not aggravate my issues. Well, there was an older lady, probably about 60-65, walking the loop. In total honesty, in the time it took me to walk to the cafe (less that 1/4 of the total loop), she lapped me. LAPPED ME! I was lapped by someone who should be retiring soon. You know what? I felt embarrassed. I felt fat. I felt out of shape, ashamed, and frustrated with my own body. Then I got to thinking, why did I feel so ashamed about being lapped? I felt ashamed because this woman revealed my own limitations. She was physically able to best me and would have even if I had been walking my normal pace. It brought before me a fact that I don't like to admit. I am limited. I cannot do what normal people my age are able to do physically. It's a fact that I struggle with a lot. I feel like someone my age should not have the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. I push myself far beyond my limit, only to then have to bench myself because I'm in too much pain. I had a couple good days recently. My chiropractor fixed my knee joint issues that had been plaguing me since December. It was amazing. I could walk again like normal, without pain! I went on a couple walks with my husband, cleaned the house, did some yoga. I started walking some laps a work to add more activity to my life. I felt great. Then the pains that happen when I start to be more active came back with a vengeance. My pain is a constant reminder that I am limited. I cannot do anything. I have limitations. Why is this such a hard fact to live with? It's all around our culture. People saying, "I will tell my children they can do anything they put their mind to." It sounds nice doesn't it? Get some warm fuzzys? Dreaming about all the things you wish you could do? Well guess what, you may not be able to do all those things. And you know what else? IT'S OKAY! You don't have to be able to do anything you want to be great. We are not magical perfect beings like butterfly rainbow unicorn kittens that somehow make everything more awesome (it's a thing, look it up, it's awesome!). We all have limitations. If we didn't, we couldn't appreciate the talents of others. Think about it. Would watching the Olympics be as incredible if you could run the 100m dash in 6 seconds? Or would watching a concert be as awesome if you could play the drums like Neil Peart? What if you could paint like Da Vinci? I appreciate those things more because I cannot do them. Sure, I could work hard and paint something. I could work hard and drum a beat, or finish the 100m dash eventually. (I really really hate running). But thing is, I will never be as good as other people. It's okay though, I'm good at other stuff. I know the point it to try to not squash the dreams of children. It's a good cause. Everyone should want to improve their life and live out their dreams. But an equally important thing we need to learn is how to live within our limitations. I would love to go on a long walk with my husband. I would like to explore some trails, enjoy nature, have long talks about nothing or something. The thing is, I can't right now. I'm in too much pain to do that. Hopefully some day I will get better, and be able to do those things again. I am working on how to get there. But I am worth just as much now as I will be then. So I need to love myself, and respect my own limitations. It doesn't make me less valuable or lovable just because I cannot go on a walk. In fact, by constantly pushing past my limitations, I have already avoided getting medical attention that I need, lived with pain far longer than necessary, and caused greater issues because of it all. All because I couldn't get past the expectation that I have to be perfect. The expectation that I am limitless. The expectation that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. You see, it's not a lazy thing. It's not an excuse. It's not for a lack of will. It's because I've finally started listening to my body, and it's telling me to stop. To slow down, and take care of it, because it's hurting. Here's my challenge to myself and to you. Accept your limitations. They make you who you are. You are beautiful and wonderful just as you are right now. Love yourself. You deserve it. And if it's something you really really really want to do, then find a way to work towards that goal within your limitations. For me, maybe that's going to a park and sitting on a bench. It's still enjoying nature and you have to walk a bit to get to the bench. You can still talk on a bench. It's not my end goal, but it's something that will make me feel good. I'm getting my doctors involved, and doing some gentle yoga to get some flexibility. It's not what I pictured for myself at this stage of life. But I could be upset and frustrated and make myself feel like crap. OR, I can learn to love myself. My wonderful, beautiful, flawed, limited self. Not going to lie, it's a hard challenge, especially on the bad days. But those bad days are the ones where I need love and comfort the most and that starts with me.
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