Taylor and I have been together for 11 years next month. 11 YEARS! We started dating junior year of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! It feels like a million years ago! Of course, 11 out of 28 years is a lot. I've seen so many relationships end in that time. *Pawsing for cat snuggle break with my miss miss* *Okay back* Anyways, when we got married, 3 years ago, one of my sisters was my maid of honor. In her toast she said, " I have been blessed to watch the two of you grow together. People go through so many changes through college and a lot of people grow apart. They end up going separate directions. But you two have grown up together. You have helped each other grow and have made each other better. It's been an honor to see that transformation." Until that moment, it wasn't really something I had thought about. It only seemed natural to me. But I've noticed something. There are two groups of people, those who think you should love someone as they are, and those who think you should love people by changing them, to be how they view people should be. Now, the first group of people think that to love someone as they are means that you cannot wish them to change. The second group of people think that to love someone means that you should want them to change. I'm going to use the example of the LGBTQ community. For those in support of LGBTQ community, they say that we should love them just as they are, except them as they are right now and not wish them to change. Now, many in the Christian community would fall into the second group of people, especially when talking about LGBTQ. Some would say they love the LGBTQ community, and therefore, out of love, only want what's best for them which would be to be give up any "unnatural behaviors" (I'm just going to use "unnatural behaviors" to describe the rantings we all know too well). Okay, so there's the two groups. Here's the thing. People think that these two groups are mutually exclusive. They're not. It's possible to love someone as they are, and want to help them change. Before you in the second group get excited, no I'm not talking about you at least not most of you. I'm NOT talking about, "speaking the truth in love." Too many people use this phrase to excuse rude behavior to those who's lifestyles they disagree with. No. What I'm talking about is loving someone just as they are right now, while also wanting them to become the best version of themselves. To love someone as they are right now means to me that if they were to never change anything, you would still love them just as much. But, because you love someone, you should also want them to become the best version of themselves. The difference is that you would love them regardless of what they do. And that you want them to become the best version of THEMSELVES, not of who you, or your religion or moral code thinks they should become. This relationship, this kind of love, is so rare in this world today. When I tell people that Taylor challenges me to become a better person they give me this look of confusion, judgment, and pity. I have told people that Taylor has taught me how to speak kindly, or how to "fight" kindly, calmly, and productively. Some people never knew me before Taylor taught me to speak kindly. So they can't imagine me as the negative, critical person I was before. So they just look confused, like I don't need help with that. Some looks seem to say that they think of Taylor as being controlling, or that I'm in some sort of toxic relationship where I'm being manipulated into changing my behavior. WOW!!!! What's scary about that reaction is that is tells me most people don't have someone who loves them AND challenges them to be a better person. I can't think of any other better relationship to have. I want to be a better person. I think most people want to be a good person. But we all need help to do that. We need to be challenged. We need people to guide us, to help us break bad habits, and to help us form better habits. We are not perfect people. So how can we think that just loving someone as they are is enough. It's not. It's a great start. But eventually you should know someone and love someone enough to help them get better. To help them see their own amazing qualities that are yet to be tapped. To help them believe in themselves. To help them see what you love so much about them. To help them see all the beautiful things about who they are as a person. And to help them hone their skills, and personality to be even better. When Taylor first met me, I was incredibly negative, critical, condescending, close-minded, self-righteous, depressed, and suicidal. Does that sound like a project you want to take on?! hahaha, yeah NOPE! The kicker is while Taylor acknowledged those qualities, he saw so much more. He saw underneath that exterior a kind, compassionate, loving, open-minded, humble, sweet, smart person. I don't know how he saw all that. I really don't. I didn't even know I had it in me. People who have met me later in life cannot imagine me as a mean person. But I was. Not to everyone all the time. But especially if I was mad, or frustrated, or whatever, yeah. Nothing but venom came out of my mouth. But Taylor saw past all that. He could see who I was, and who I could be. He loved me every single step of the way. He helped me to see those good qualities in myself. He helped me change my habits to bring out the best in me, and let go of the worst. I am so much more at peace with myself, because I am who I was meant to be. I still have many things to work on, and I always will have things to work on. But this is what love is supposed to be like. We are supposed to love each other just as we are, and also help to sharpen each other. The other day, Taylor asked me a question, "Do you ever feel like you could do so much more?" It got me thinking about a possible new career path. Something I never would have considered previously because I never believed in myself enough. This is one part of our relationship that makes it all work. We can help each other become better. Without venom, without agenda, without conditions on love. We love each other just as we are, and we help each other become the best version of ourselves. While it may at times be hard to hear about something I need to change, the defensiveness quickly dissipates. Because I know it is out of true love for me that he would point out a flaw and help me work to fix it. The key is that he knows me better than anyone else in this world. So I know it's only out of love. The key to this whole issue in our world is this: You must know and love the person, before you can ask them to change. We have far to many people asking others to change themselves, before really getting to know and love them as they are now. Taylor didn't start out just asking me to change. He started by loving me as I was right then. He would have still loved me even if I didn't change. But he also knew that I would be happier if given direction on how to become my true self. It's a gift that I can never repay. It's a gift that I can only hope to reciprocate. My hope is that somehow through our relationship, that others will be inspired. We need more people loving each other in this way if we are to progress as a people, and as a society. Imagine if more people were the best version of themselves. Imagine if people could be happy with who they are, and excited more becoming better and better. Imagine if we all had someone in our life to call us out on stuff when we need to be called out. But in a way that doesn't trigger shame or defensiveness. Just imagine the possibilities.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Who Makes You a Better Person?
Taylor and I have been together for 11 years next month. 11 YEARS! We started dating junior year of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! It feels like a million years ago! Of course, 11 out of 28 years is a lot. I've seen so many relationships end in that time. *Pawsing for cat snuggle break with my miss miss* *Okay back* Anyways, when we got married, 3 years ago, one of my sisters was my maid of honor. In her toast she said, " I have been blessed to watch the two of you grow together. People go through so many changes through college and a lot of people grow apart. They end up going separate directions. But you two have grown up together. You have helped each other grow and have made each other better. It's been an honor to see that transformation." Until that moment, it wasn't really something I had thought about. It only seemed natural to me. But I've noticed something. There are two groups of people, those who think you should love someone as they are, and those who think you should love people by changing them, to be how they view people should be. Now, the first group of people think that to love someone as they are means that you cannot wish them to change. The second group of people think that to love someone means that you should want them to change. I'm going to use the example of the LGBTQ community. For those in support of LGBTQ community, they say that we should love them just as they are, except them as they are right now and not wish them to change. Now, many in the Christian community would fall into the second group of people, especially when talking about LGBTQ. Some would say they love the LGBTQ community, and therefore, out of love, only want what's best for them which would be to be give up any "unnatural behaviors" (I'm just going to use "unnatural behaviors" to describe the rantings we all know too well). Okay, so there's the two groups. Here's the thing. People think that these two groups are mutually exclusive. They're not. It's possible to love someone as they are, and want to help them change. Before you in the second group get excited, no I'm not talking about you at least not most of you. I'm NOT talking about, "speaking the truth in love." Too many people use this phrase to excuse rude behavior to those who's lifestyles they disagree with. No. What I'm talking about is loving someone just as they are right now, while also wanting them to become the best version of themselves. To love someone as they are right now means to me that if they were to never change anything, you would still love them just as much. But, because you love someone, you should also want them to become the best version of themselves. The difference is that you would love them regardless of what they do. And that you want them to become the best version of THEMSELVES, not of who you, or your religion or moral code thinks they should become. This relationship, this kind of love, is so rare in this world today. When I tell people that Taylor challenges me to become a better person they give me this look of confusion, judgment, and pity. I have told people that Taylor has taught me how to speak kindly, or how to "fight" kindly, calmly, and productively. Some people never knew me before Taylor taught me to speak kindly. So they can't imagine me as the negative, critical person I was before. So they just look confused, like I don't need help with that. Some looks seem to say that they think of Taylor as being controlling, or that I'm in some sort of toxic relationship where I'm being manipulated into changing my behavior. WOW!!!! What's scary about that reaction is that is tells me most people don't have someone who loves them AND challenges them to be a better person. I can't think of any other better relationship to have. I want to be a better person. I think most people want to be a good person. But we all need help to do that. We need to be challenged. We need people to guide us, to help us break bad habits, and to help us form better habits. We are not perfect people. So how can we think that just loving someone as they are is enough. It's not. It's a great start. But eventually you should know someone and love someone enough to help them get better. To help them see their own amazing qualities that are yet to be tapped. To help them believe in themselves. To help them see what you love so much about them. To help them see all the beautiful things about who they are as a person. And to help them hone their skills, and personality to be even better. When Taylor first met me, I was incredibly negative, critical, condescending, close-minded, self-righteous, depressed, and suicidal. Does that sound like a project you want to take on?! hahaha, yeah NOPE! The kicker is while Taylor acknowledged those qualities, he saw so much more. He saw underneath that exterior a kind, compassionate, loving, open-minded, humble, sweet, smart person. I don't know how he saw all that. I really don't. I didn't even know I had it in me. People who have met me later in life cannot imagine me as a mean person. But I was. Not to everyone all the time. But especially if I was mad, or frustrated, or whatever, yeah. Nothing but venom came out of my mouth. But Taylor saw past all that. He could see who I was, and who I could be. He loved me every single step of the way. He helped me to see those good qualities in myself. He helped me change my habits to bring out the best in me, and let go of the worst. I am so much more at peace with myself, because I am who I was meant to be. I still have many things to work on, and I always will have things to work on. But this is what love is supposed to be like. We are supposed to love each other just as we are, and also help to sharpen each other. The other day, Taylor asked me a question, "Do you ever feel like you could do so much more?" It got me thinking about a possible new career path. Something I never would have considered previously because I never believed in myself enough. This is one part of our relationship that makes it all work. We can help each other become better. Without venom, without agenda, without conditions on love. We love each other just as we are, and we help each other become the best version of ourselves. While it may at times be hard to hear about something I need to change, the defensiveness quickly dissipates. Because I know it is out of true love for me that he would point out a flaw and help me work to fix it. The key is that he knows me better than anyone else in this world. So I know it's only out of love. The key to this whole issue in our world is this: You must know and love the person, before you can ask them to change. We have far to many people asking others to change themselves, before really getting to know and love them as they are now. Taylor didn't start out just asking me to change. He started by loving me as I was right then. He would have still loved me even if I didn't change. But he also knew that I would be happier if given direction on how to become my true self. It's a gift that I can never repay. It's a gift that I can only hope to reciprocate. My hope is that somehow through our relationship, that others will be inspired. We need more people loving each other in this way if we are to progress as a people, and as a society. Imagine if more people were the best version of themselves. Imagine if people could be happy with who they are, and excited more becoming better and better. Imagine if we all had someone in our life to call us out on stuff when we need to be called out. But in a way that doesn't trigger shame or defensiveness. Just imagine the possibilities.
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